Stability
by TStabler
Summary: He has secrets. He has demons that have been haunting him, skeleton's in his closet that have been scratching at the door for years, threatening to break free. Tonight, he lets them out. Tonight, he tells her everything and finally finds stability. E/O
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: With his impending departure, I feel we owe it to him to tell his whole story. Or, maybe he should tell it. But just to whom is he telling it?**

**DISCLAIMER: SVU and characters belong to Dick Wolf. TStabler© owns this story.**

He sits with one foot on his other leg, one hand on his knee, the other arm outstretched on the couch back behind him. He takes a deep breath and he thinks for a moment he might change his mind, and then he looks into the eyes of the person sitting across from him.

"You don't have to do this," she says, biting her lip. "I know talking about it is hard, that's why I..."

"I have to do this," he interrupts, shaking his head. His propped up foot falls to the floor, his arms drop down in front of him, and he folds his hands as he leans forward. "This is gonna lead to something, and I can't skip anything, so just...hear me out, okay? Don't stop me, just...just listen."

"Okay," his companion states with worry in her voice.

He clears his throat and looks up for a moment, as if asking God for the strength to talk. Maybe that's exactly what he's doing, his thoughts are too jumbled to tell. "So, uh, it started when I was four."

"Four?" she asks, horrified.

"I asked you not to interrupt me," he tells her, rolling his eyes.

She apologizes and promises to shut up, and she slides a glass of chilled beer over to him.

He takes it gratefully and takes a long sip, letting out a refreshed sigh before continuing. "Yeah, four," he says. "It came out of nowhere, and for the longest time...I thought I was the problem. It never occurred to me that it was him. I can still hear his voice," he says, suddenly making a face.

" 'Elliot Joseph Stabler!' he yelled from the foot of the stairs. 'What the hell did you do to the kitchen?" He takes another sip of his beer and shakes his head, remembering it all so vividly.

"I remember being so terrified by just his voice that I ran as fast as I could, down the stairs, and I stood in front of him, straight, almost saluting. He looked at me with this...face, like...like he wanted to kill me." He chuckles. "It's the look I gave Dickie when he told me...well, you were there."

She watches him take another sip of beer, and she nods. "Yeah, I was."

He takes another breath and says, "He had this vein in his neck that would throb, and at this point it was ready to burst. I swear, I thought he was gonna drop dead right in front of me, I thought I had given my father a heart attack." He runs a hand down his face and blinks.

She simply nods, keeping her promise to be quiet. She does, however, get up and move over to him. She sits next to him and she rests her hand on his knee, she squeezes.

He grabs her hand and tightens his fingers around hers, and for a second she flinches, still not used to this side of him. A part of her knows she will never get used to it. "He pointed at the wall in the kitchen and yelled, 'Who the fuck do you think you are? Picasso?" He chuckles and his eyes flicker up to the ceiling again.

"You drew on the wall," she whispers "Every child..."

"He'd just retiled the entire room," he interrupts, "And we didn't have the money to do it again. Besides, I didn't do it. My brother did. I tried telling him, but..." He shakes his head. "Where do you think I get my stubbornness from?" He tries to laugh and he shrugs.

"That was the first time he hit me. Almost broke my arm," he says to her, and the flare of recognition in her eyes frightens him. He squeezes her hand even tighter. "He made me scrub the wall with bleach, and my toothbrush, and as much as I wanted to, I couldn't cry. It wasn't even because he used to tell us that crying was for pussies, it just...I physically couldn't cry. I was just..."

"Numb," she whispers, her eyes fixed on his. "Scared into hiding everything you felt because you didn't know what would set it off again, what else would make him hit you."

He nods and his heart breaks for her, but at the same time he feels a glowing heat rising through his body, because now she realizes that they're more alike than they thought.

They are more than friends, more than partners. They're soul mates, and now they're bound by this shared past, bonded together by the scars they've been given alone, just as the ones they've earned together.

He drops his gaze from her and says, "The worst part was when my mother walked into the kitchen, she looked at me and she cried. She came over to me, and she knelt down, and she said she was sorry." He swallowed the cry in his throat and took another shaky breath. "She said she knew I didn't do it, and she was sorry she couldn't stop him."

She leans forward and kisses the side of his forehead, wishing she could somehow take away the pain of the memory, keep it with the pain of her own. "Did she..."

"She thanked me," he says with a bitter laugh. "She thanked me for taking it, because there's no way Noah would have been able to, and he was so little, and she told me what a man I was because...because I didn't cry."

He lets go of her hand and raises it to his face, squeezing the bridge of his nose and sniffing deeply. "Is there any more beer?"

She gets up and runs to the kitchen, giving a slight glance to the tile in the corner. It had a red scribble on it. Permanent marker. Eli's handiwork. She smiles, remembering how it had made her laugh, how neither she nor Elliot were mad, and how she'd left it in her kitchen to always be a reminder of how small he once was.

She takes a deep breath and sighs sadly, because now she knows why he didn't get mad. She opens the fridge and grabs a can, and she walks back into the living room. She sits and she hands him the cold aluminum, watching as he pops it open and chugs.

He swallows and looks at her. "Relax," he says. "I'm not gonna get drunk on you, I just...this is harder than I thought it was gonna be."

She folds her arms and says, "I told you that you don't..."

"Yes," he almost yells. "I do. You need to know, okay? There are things about me, things that I've been through, thought, felt, things I've done that you don't know about, and you need to know. I know it all might change..."

She stops him with a scoff. "Nothing could ever change the way..."

"You say that now," he cuts her off with a laugh. "My son is asleep down the hall," he whispers. "I need to be the kind of man that my father never was. I need to tell you everything, because I never told Kathy anything and that's why she..." he bites his lip, knowing that bringing up his ex-wife is a bad idea, especially in the presence of the woman who had taken her place.

He looks at her and says, "I need you to know. Everything. I'm gonna scare you, I'm gonna disgust you, I'm gonna hurt you, and I'm gonna prove to you that I'm probably not worth half of what you think I am. And when it's all said and done, I'm gonna know something, too."

"What?" she asks, her voice breaking in anticipation.

"If you're still here, after hearing everything I tell you tonight," he stops again, he sets the can down on the table, and he turns in his seat. He takes both of her hands, looks into her eyes, and says, "If you can still look me in the eye, if you don't take Eli and leave, then I'll know that it wasn't all for nothing. I'll know that you..."

She pulls a hand free and lifts a finger to his lips. She silences him and she closes her eyes. "Just tell me," she whispers, letting her forehead drop to his, closer than she planned on being tonight.

"This could take a while," he whispers, moving his head, nuzzling her gently, trying to decide if it's safe to kiss her.

She lets him know that it is by pressing her lips to his so lightly it's almost as if they don't touch at all. "We've got plenty of time," she says, and he can feel her lips moving against his.

He sighs a bit and moves in, kissing her tenderly. He pulls away and takes a shaky breath, looking into her eyes, and he smiles. He runs a finger over her cheek and across her slightly pursed lips. "He makes this face," he says quietly. "Eli."

She grins. "Only when he has a stomach ache," she teases. She sits back, making herself comfortable.

"I'm still sorry," he says, moving with her as he reaches for the phone. "Not sorry for him, but how he..."

"Hey," she says, stopping him again. "You were here, and we were happy."

"We could have been happier," he tells her as he dials the number for a local pizza place.

She sighs as she watches him, studies his face as he orders two large pies with the most random of toppings, and she raises an eyebrow. She smirks when he hangs up and says, "Peppers and pineapple? I ate that when..."

"Yeah," he says on a heave breath. "It'll be here in forty-five minutes." He looks at her and his voice drops. "Where was I?"

"The kitchen," she says, her eyes falling to her lap. "You were four."

"Ah," he says, a noise of affirmation. "So, uh, long story short, that was the night I realized that I would be expected to take the blame for anything Noah did, for the rest of my life, and I couldn't cry about it. So I did. I still do."

She runs a hand over his peach-fuzz head, and he looks at her, trying to smile.

"My arm was in a sling for a week, he dislocated my shoulder. I had to tell everyone I fell down the stairs," he tells her, relaxing into her touch.

"I know what that's like," she says.

He shakes his head and he says, "Something happened that night, too, in the kitchen. When I couldn't cry, all I could do was think. Sadness became anger, and I promised myself...God, it's so stupid. I was four. There's no way...no way I can possibly remember this."

"You're remembering it all pretty accurately so far," she offers. "What, El?"

He tilts his head and he says, "I think that was the night I promised myself, for the first time, that when I grew up, I would be a better cop, a better man, and a better father than Joe Stabler." He chuckles and says, "I made that promise a lot when I was a kid." He reaches for his beer, takes a long sip, and drops it back down. "Once, I actually told him to face that I hoped I would never be like him."

She leaned into him, resting her head against his, and she said, "You gonna tell me about it?"

"You know I am," he says, wrapping an arm around her.

She nods, and she wonders why he chose now, tonight, to tell her everything she didn't know, everything she'd always asked about and everything he'd kept hidden. She decides that she'll listen to him, and she knows that nothing he says will change the way she feels, nothing would alter their bond, shift their relationship. She'd bet her life on it.

But then, of course, she'd lose.

**A/N: More stories from Elliot's past, a revelation about Eli, the truth about Kathy, and a long-forgotten meeting. Review here, or on Twitter. **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Revelations and realizations.**

She watches him pay for the pizza, wondering why he's chosen this particular combination of toppings. She meets his gaze as he walks back toward the couch, and the confessions he's made so far sing back through her mind, as if she can read them all again in his eyes.

He sits, plopping the two large boxes onto the coffee table between his beer and her tea, which he replaced with decaf hoping she wouldn't notice. He smirks as she sips, and he chuckles at her oblivion. "Eat," he says, pointing to the top box.

"Talk," she counters, flipping the lid to the pizza box. "The faster you get whatever this is out of your system, the sooner we can…"

"I'm talking," he says with a shrug. He lifts a slice of cheesy, peppery, pinappley pizza to his lips, and he bites. He is instantly taken back to the first moment he had such a slice, and his lips curl into a smile. "You remember the first…"

"Of course, I do," she interrupts with a laugh. "God, you thought I was crazy."

"Well, you didn't tell me you were pregnant," he says in his defense. "You ordered this and I thought, 'One too many shots to the head on the job, and this is what happens."

She grins. "I told you," she reminds him. "Well, actually, the pizza told you."

He smiles as he chews, remembering opening the box when the pizza arrived, seeing the words "Hi, Daddy," spelled out in bits of pepper. He swallows, and he's moved by his memory. He leans over and kisses her softly. "I love him, you know I do."

She narrows her eyes a bit at him. "I know you do," she says.

"I love his mother, too." He is looking into her eyes, so deeply he scares himself.

She takes a shaky breath, her heart almost stopping at his words. He's being more affectionate tonight than he has been in a long while, and she thinks she knows why, and she doesn't want to be right. She looks away from him and then clears her throat. "You, uh…you want to…"

He heaves a sigh and nods. "So, I told you about the thing with my history project, when he…"

"Yeah," she says, nodding, biting into the pizza. "The tree," she says, sipping her tea.

"I just let him hit me again," he says with a shake of his head. He takes another bite of his pizza, then he says, "The first day of high school. That was…that was when I really started fighting back."

She looks at him and tilts her head. "What happened?"

"See? My life story seems to be holding your attention," he jokes, and he takes a gulp of his beer. "Well, uh, he wanted me to try out for the basketball team."

"You did," she said, narrowing her eyes. "You were on the…"

"Yeah, but I didn't want to do it just because he told me to," he interrupts, as if that should have obvious. "I came home, and he asked me how my day was, and when I said nothing about signing up for tryouts, he yelled. I remember…he raised his hand to hit me and I punched him, right in the ribs," he recalls. He swipes his tongue along his teeth and chuckles. "I wish I could have taken a picture of his face. It was like…for the first time, he was afraid of me."

She chews quietly for a moment. "Empowering, isn't it?" she asks, biting her lip, remembering her own first small victory against her mother.

He nods at her, then he takes a bite of his pizza. "It is," he says. "Until…well, hitting him, showing him how strong I really was, it only made him hit me harder. It proved to him that I was tough enough to take even more, so…I missed basketball tryouts that year." He took another hard gulp of his beer. "He really broke my arm that time."

She huffs and throws her pizza down onto the box top. "What exactly are you trying to accomplish by telling me all of this?" she asks, running a hand through her hair. "All it's done is make me really glad the man is dead."

He grips her chin, then, with two fingers, pulling her toward him. He kisses her softly, and he whispers, "Calm down." He bends his head, looking up at her with seriousness in his eyes. "Okay? I'm not finished, and this is isn't just about him."

She breathes and nods. "Go on," she resigns, grabbing her tea again.

He hides the smirk as he watches her sip, and he wonders for a moment if the lack of caffeine is making her irritable. "Okay, so I was out for the whole season," he says, "I had to take an extra study hall because I was excused from gym. That's when I met…"

"Kathy," she says, figuring it out.

He shakes his head and he smiles. "No, Liv, that's when I met you."

She squints. "I didn't go to your high school," she says. "I think you're…"

"You came," he interrupts, "Every Thursday during that period. You were…"

"Tutoring," she says, remembering, realizing. "I…I have no idea why I don't remember meeting you."

He grins. "I didn't really introduce myself to you," he shrugs and bites into his pizza. With a mouthful he says, "I just watched you try to teach Mark Anderson how to solve for x, and I gotta say, that even back then, when I had no idea who the hell you were, I dreamed about you."

She chuckles and nudges him with her elbow. "So you fantasized about me in high school?"

"All the time," he says, rolling his eyes. "Well, until I really did meet Kathy." He lets his face fall into an expression of guilt, regret, and just a bit of happiness. "Sophomore year, football season, she was a cheerleader. We met at the first home game of the season. She was so pretty," he says. "Not beautiful. You…you're beautiful, she's pretty, there's a difference."

"On what planet?" she asks, chewing.

He laughs and says, "Mine." He takes a swallow of his beer and says, "She was the only girl who didn't look at me like she wanted to rip my clothes off. She was the only girl who talked to me like I was a real person, not just a jock."

"She had common sense," she says, grinning.

"She had morals," he retorts. "We had that in common. We started just hanging out, talking. We realized we wanted the same things out of life, and she…she gave me a reason to get up in the morning. It's funny…you did the same thing when I met you. She gave me a good reason to go to school, you gave me a good one to go to work."

She drops her gaze again, feeling the guilt that had long faded return to the surface. Talking about Kathy makes her realize how wrong their affair really was, and how much she hates the fact that she doesn't care.

He notices her shift in mood, and he clears his throat. "I have to tell you this, Liv, so please…"

"I'm listening," she says, scooting toward him. "I'm fine."

He nods and picks up another slice of pizza. "We dated. Really dated. Went out to eat, went to the movies, I didn't even kiss her until the fourth date." He shakes his head, as if he can't believe he's talking about himself. "Things moved so slowly with her."

"You were a good Catholic boy, El," she says, closing her eyes. She runs a hand down her face, feeling responsible for taking that away from him.

He laughs. "Catholic nothing, I was scared," he says. "She scared me the same way you did. The way you still do." He bites his lip and says, "I didn't want to fall in love with her, I was fifteen. I wanted to date other girls, I wanted to break hearts, I wanted to prove to my father that I could be just as much of an asshole as he was."

She shakes her head. "But you're not, El, you…"

"Exactly," he sighs. "I'm not. Which is why she was it for me. The only girl I dated in high school, and after a year and a half together, I slept with her." He closes his eyes and says, "I didn't get it. It wasn't fun, it was messy, I think I pulled something, actually fucking hurt myself…"

She laughs, runs a hand along his arm, and she says, "First times are awkward. You just needed practice."

He chuckles and looks up at her. "We practiced," he tells her with a raised eyebrow. "It still sucked. All my friends were talking about how great sex was, and I thought they were all crazy. Kathy..she just…I guess I didn't think it had to be fun, ya know? I just thought that as long as I loved her, I was doing it right." He sends her a narrow-eyed glance and smirks. "How wrong was I?"

She laughs softly and shakes her head. "You were right," she tells him. "Love is a huge factor."

"Yeah," he says. "But with you, it's also a shitload of fun. Anyway, right before midterms my Senior year, she comes up to me in the hallway, says we need to talk. I thought she was gonna break up with me because we were planning on going to different schools."

She grabs his hand. She knows where this is going.

"I was actually happy," he says, dropping his head back. "Can you believe that? I wanted her to break up with me." He swallows and says, "We found a quiet corner, and she looked at me with these big, pretty, wet eyes. She was crying. I told her I knew what she was gonna say, and that it was okay, and she didn't need to cry." He bites his lip and says, "She told me I didn't know what she was gonna say, and it wasn't okay. Then she told me she was pregnant."

There is a moment of silence and she sips her tea, watching him bite into his pizza.

He turns to her and he says, "I felt my entire world crash down on top of me. I almost passed out. I knew…I knew that I was done. UCLA was out, I had to turn down my scholarship, my chance to get away from my father, and I knew that I had to do the right thing. The last thing I needed on top of being the black sheep of my family was being a disgrace to hers."

She squeezes his hand. It's enough to give him the strength to go on.

"I cried, all night," he admits. "The next morning I picked her up early, I took her out for breakfast, and I proposed to her with a ring I found in my mother's jewelry box that probably cost, God, ten dollars?" He shakes his head and laughs. "Over pancakes. I asked her over pancakes! I didn't…I never told her shit about my life, she had only met my parents once, she'd never met my sisters, and I asked her to marry me."

"El," she says, leaning toward him, "You were being…"

"Stupid," he says. "I was being so stupid. But I loved her, I really did, and the more I thought about having a kid, the more I thought, 'Wow, here's my chance to prove that I'm better than him. To prove that I can be a father, the kind of father I always needed but never had."

She opens her mouth to speak and the wailing shriek of a two-year-old boy fills the room. "I'll get him," she says, moving to stand.

He pushes her back against the couch. "I got him," he tells her. "Finish eating." He kisses her quickly and gets up, heading toward his son's room.

She narrows her eyes and rises anyway, following him. She stops at the door, and she watches him lift the boy into his arms. And she listens.

"Hey, little man," he says, bouncing lightly. "What's the problem?"

Eli buries his head in his father's neck, sobbing. He mumbles something in his not-yet-understood language and wraps himself around his father tightly.

"Okay, big boy," he says, running a hand over his son's back. "Daddy's got you. You just…you let it out, buddy. You wanna cry, you go right ahead, but I'm here, and Mommy's…"

"Maa!" Eli shouts, waving his arms frantically behind Elliot.

"Yeah," Elliot says, spinning around. "We'll go see…" he stops, seeing Olivia in the doorway. "Mommy." He smiles at her, and he holds Eli tighter as the child attempts to leap into Olivia's arms.

She blinks and she moves toward him. She rests one hand on Eli's little arm, calming him, and one hand on Elliot's shoulder, squeezing. "You told him…"

"My son can cry all he wants," he interrupts. "If he's hurt, if he's sad, if he's angry…there's no shame in it." He kisses the top of Eli's head and says, "I told that to all of my kids, and…Liv, I'm not my father."

"You're not," she whispers. She kisses him, her lips lingering on his for a moment too long as Eli lets out a yell. He doesn't like being ignored. They pull apart and they look at him, and they laugh.

He lets his voice drop, and he looks at her as he says, "He wasn't a mistake, Liv."

She closes her eyes, and no matter how much evidence she has to the contrary, she believes him. "No, he wasn't." She opens her eyes and says, "Neither was Maureen."

He kisses Eli again, and the two turn, walking out of the youngster's bedroom and back into the living room. They sit, their son propped up in between them, and he says, "I know that. I wouldn't change anything, I love all my kids, I just…I'm not proud of how…" and a tear slips out of his left eye, the first tear he's let drop all night.

She feels her heart crack. "El, don't…I was just as responsible for everything as you were."

"You deserved better," he whispers, cutting her off. "You both did. I should have left her for good before getting involved with you. I should have waited until the divorce was final. Yeah, we were apart, but the separation meant nothing to anyone, people still looked at me like I was shit every time I so much as looked at you. I was selfish, and I was…"

"You were here," she tells him, cupping his face to get him to stop talking. "For every single moment, El. You were right here. I know it was wrong, but…we made it work…and she…she understood."

He scoffs. "Yeah, she did. She understood all the way to fucking Florida." He shakes his head and says, "I swore…the night you told me…with the pizza…I swore to myself that I wouldn't repeat my mistakes. I was gone for most of Kathy's pregnancy, ya know, the Marines…I missed the kicks and the cravings and the…" he blinks. "I promised I would be there for everything with you."

"You were," she says.

He nods and he looks at her, and he says, "Once he goes back to sleep…I have to finish telling you…"

"I know," she says, stopping him as her arm loops around him and the other snakes under her drifting-off son. "I know."

"It's serious," he tells her. "It's about…you always asked about the tattoo, the Marines, and I need you to promise me that no matter what you hear…I need you to promise me that you'll forgive me."

She narrows her eyes and takes a shallow breath. She nods. "Of course," she whispers to him.

She doesn't realize how difficult keeping that promise is going to be.

**A/N: His explanations are raising more questions. What happened in the Marines? Will Olivia need to forgive him? And when did their affair start, how understanding was Kathy? Review here, or on Twitter.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **_**His story continues Some notes: The only Eli is the one in this story, there is no Eli with Kathy. Aldo, obviously, I've made the characters MUCH younger, having Elliot fight in Desert Storm means he was 19 in 1991...which is not unusual for me. I always make them younger. I assumed it would be clear from the reading, but I hope it's clear now. It's a story, and slightly AU, so I apologize for the confusion.**_

**DISCLAIMER: SVU and characters belong to Dick Wolf. This story belongs to Tstabler©**

They're quiet, cuddled close, holding their sleeping son. The look in Elliot's eyes as he looks down at the boy is one Olivia has never seen before. It isn't regret, that much she knows. She tilts her head, trying to figure it out.

"I'm just thinking," he whispers to her, shaking his head a bit. "Don't look at me like that."

She smiles. He really does know her, inside and out. "You thinking about what you have to tell me?"

"No," he says, looking at her. "I'm thinking about him. About us. You know it was never supposed to be once, right? That first night with you…I mean, you knew from then I wasn't going back to Kathy, didn't you?"

She looks away from him, unable to lie to him and afraid to tell him the truth.

He narrows his eyes. "How could you think that I would…"

"Because you'd done it before," she shrugs. "You left her twice, you went back to her twice. I finally thought, what the hell, take you while I could." She chuckles and says, "Two months of worrying about it, El. Two months of wondering when our last night together would be, when you would tell me we were over. God. When you came to my place with that suitcase…"

He laughs and says, "I saw the look on your face. You were thrilled."

"I was relieved," she says with a smile. "I didn't want to be the other woman anymore, and I didn't want to lose you. I got what I wanted when you…"

He kisses her, a habit he's grown fond of, and he smiles against her lips. "I know people treated you like shit because of me." He nuzzles her nose and says, "I'm sorry about that."

"People have always looked at me that way. It didn't bother me," she says with a shrug. She sees his eyes change again, she watches his face drop as he looks down at their son.

He makes a sad sort of humming noise and asks, "How can I tell him what I have to tell him? How am I supposed to tell him that you and I…"

"You don't have to," she interrupts. "He doesn't need to know that. Not for a really long time."

He swallows hard and says, "He should. He should know that no matter how it looked, or how fucked up it was, he is a product of love. I can't have him growing up asking…"

"What could he possibly ask?" she questions, interrupting.

"He could ask a lot of things," he whispers. "Why we aren't married, why his brother and sisters don't look like him, why they all live so far away. I'm doing everything I can to make sure he doesn't have any questions, though." He looks at her, hoping she understands.

She narrows her eyes. "What is going on with you, El? What is this all…"

"I'm gonna go put him in his bed," he says, cutting her off and standing, cradling Eli.

She watches him leave the room, confused. Something is very wrong, and she doesn't have the slightest idea what. She bites her lip and keeps her eyes on the hallway, and when he returns she holds up a hand. "Before you say anything, Elliot, I need to know what this is all…"

He takes her hand and pulls, shocking her into silence by yanking her up, into him, and kissing her roughly. He winds his other hand into her hair, moaning a bit, and he pants slightly as he pulls his lips away from hers. "I promise," he whispers, "This is going somewhere."

She feels her lips tingle, her body warms and starts to ache. His kiss always affects her greatly. She bites her lip again, she nods, then sits back down on the couch. "Go on," she says, reaching for her almost-empty teacup.

He runs a hand down his face and he sits beside her with a huff. He clicks his tongue for a moment, trying to find the right words, trying to figure out how to explain. He turns his arm over, facing his forearm and palm up. "I didn't know what I was getting myself into," he says. He slaps his USMC emblem tattoo with his other hand, twice, reddening it. "I didn't know this was gonna rip away what little innocence I had left."

She scoots closer to him. "The Marines?"

He nods. "It was just…it was all I could do. My parents couldn't afford to send both me and Noah to school, and of course, since he's the perfect son…" he shook his head. "I had it all set, Liv. I was supposed to play ball for UCLA, I was supposed to make something of myself, but Kathy…Kathy changed everything when she told me about Maureen. We changed everything."

He reaches for his beer, finds the can empty, and he grunts. He looks at Olivia and he leans back, he takes her hand, and he says, "We graduated and got married in the same weekend, and we moved into this really small apartment down the street from my house. We had nothing, Liv. Nothing. My father refused to help. He said I got myself into trouble and I had to deal with it. Then he told me that the service would provide a solution. They would pay me, they'd have a pretty decent health plan…which I wanted for Kathy and the baby. I figured twelve weeks away from home was a small price to pay, ya know?"

He sighs again and lets out a bitter chuckle. "My father drove me down to a recruiter's office, and before I could even ask them anything, he had me signed up and convinced this was the only thing I could do." He licks his lips and looks at her. "He told me…I'll never forget this…he told me that if I was smart I'd get myself shot so I wouldn't have to deal with the mess I made of my life."

"Jesus, El," she cringes, squeezing his hand.

"It's all right," he says, giving a quick shrug. "I thought he was right," he laughs. "I packed, and I kissed Kathy goodbye, and I told her that everything would be okay. Next thing I knew, I was on a base with a gun in my hand, being yelled at by some drill sergeant on a power trip." He shifts in his seat and pulls her closer. He leans back against the arm of the couch and lays her on top of him.

He rests a hand under his head as the other runs along her spine, and he lowers his voice, making this more intimate than she deems necessary. "The first few weeks were the hardest. I was nineteen, a recently married man about to have a kid, I just wanted to be home. I wanted my mother."

She chuckles against him and settles into listening to both his story and his heartbeat.

He breathes again. "Adjusting to schedules sucked, the physical training was brutal, no one was nice, everyone had something to prove. Especially me." He bites the inside of his cheek and says, "I just remember wanting to go home, praying that something would happen and they would realize they couldn't use me, and they'd send me home. Then I'd pray for the complete opposite, because going home meant failure, and I didn't want to disappoint my father. I didn't want to be the pile of shit he thought I was, so I stayed, and I worked harder, and I fought for it."

She looks up at him, one arm hooked under him and the other resting on his chest. "You're not a pile of…"

He kisses her forehead. "I know I'm not," he says with a small smile. "Basic training was done, out of the way, and on the day of the Corps graduation, the day I think I'm heading home, one of the Gunnery Sergeants tells me I'm being sent to Iraq."

"Desert Storm," Olivia says, her heart stopping. "El, you never told me…"

"I'm telling you now," he says, silencing her. He takes another breath and closes his eyes as he kisses her forehead. "We all thought it was gonna be a piece of cake, we were training for this, right? We spent two days in the middle of the desert trying to come up with some kind of strategy, thinking we knew exactly what we were doing."

He scoffs and says, "Nothing prepares you for war. Nothing. All of that confidence went flying away when we headed for the boundaries. Shit, we had to crawl through minefields…I saw people blow up a few feet in front of my face." He gulps again before continuing. "There were these huge barbed-wire fences set up, and we had to climb over them. We had to get through fire trenches and the whole time we're trying to get to where we're going, these guys are throwing grenades at us, shooting at us, we even got hit with Molotov cocktails, the bottles blew up in midair and the glass would fly and get lodged in our skin…"

"Oh, God," she says, shutting her eyes. "El, I…"

He doesn't let her speak. He just keeps talking. "I just kept thinking about Kathy and the child she was about to have. My child. I pushed harder, moved faster, needing to stay alive. At least, long enough to meet my daughter." He took another shaky breath and he swallowed back the urge to cry at the memory. "I made it over the last barrier, I was almost at the checkpoint, when I heard someone calling my name. I looked around and…Paul Vargas, one of the guys I trained with…he was lying in the sand…he was looking at me with these terrified, wide eyes…he was bleeding…everywhere…"

She runs a hand over his cheek, wiping the tears that she is pretty sure he doesn't know are falling.

He sniffles and blinks, and he doesn't look at her. "He called my name again, and I went over to him…I was trying to help him, trying to find where he was hit to stop the bleeding or something, and he…he grabbed my tags and he pulled me down to him, he couldn't breathe, he was choking on his own blood…he coughed a lot. He looked into my eyes and he asked me to do something for him…something I didn't want to do. I told him I couldn't, that he would be okay, and he…he let go of my chain and yanked his own off, and he shoved his dog tags into one of my pockets."

He blinks again and he feels the tears rolling down his face, he feels her soft fingers brushing the tears away. "He asked me to…he was in so much pain. I couldn't leave him there like that, I couldn't let him die like that." He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to calm down, but behind his lids he sees Paul's face, and he feels the gun in his hands, and he hears the gunshot ringing in his ears. "I shot him. Liv, I shot him."

She's surprised when he breaks down, holding her tighter and openly crying into her neck. "El, baby, it's not your fault. He asked you to…"

"I killed him," he says, shaking his head. "I was there to defend…protect…and I…"

"You did him a favor," she whispered. "You said it yourself, you couldn't let him die like that. You gave him dignity, you gave him the satisfaction of knowing that it wasn't them who killed him. You gave him a little bit of pride and you ended the suffering he was obviously in."

He slows his sobs, and he finally forces himself to look at her. His red, pained eyes meet her panicked brown ones, and he takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry," he says. "I didn't mean to…I never told anyone that before," he admits. "I guess I just…I've been holding onto it for so long that…"

"You told our son that it was okay to cry," she says, swiping a thumb under his eyes. "Take your own advice."

"I need you to forgive me," he says, still staring into her eyes.

"El, you didn't…"

"Just say it!" he cries. "Please, just tell me…" he chokes on his words.

She watches his eyes close, and she watches another slow tear fall down his cheek. She realizes that it's not her that is important, he just needs someone to forgive him, because this has been eating away at him for so long, and he needs the absolution. She leans forward and places a very soft kiss to his lips. "You're forgiven, El," she whispers. "I forgive you, Paul forgives you, and God forgives you. You didn't kill him, Elliot, he was already dead. You…you saved him."

He opens his eyes, slowly pulling her into focus, her face in front of him, calming him. He breathes in through his nose and out through his mouth, and he says, "I love you. So much. I…I needed…I just needed to hear it. I needed to hear you say it."

She nods and kisses him again, and she becomes aware that he has told her he loves her in seven different ways, and she hasn't said it once. "El," she says, shifting her way up his body just a little further. "You know I love you. I love you."

He smiles and his sob becomes a laugh. "I know you do," he says. "I needed to hear that, too, ya know."

She kisses him again and she says, "I'm really…well, honored, that you told me that."

"You're the only one I trust with that," he says. "The only one I trust with everything I'm telling you tonight." He kisses her lightly and moves, sitting up a bit. He pulls her into his lap and he kisses her neck.

She moans softly, her neck is the most sensitive spot above her chest and she melts whenever he touches it. She drops her head against his body and she says, "Thank you for trusting me."

He kisses the very top of her head and he smiles. He trusts her with his life, with the life of his son, all of his children, really. He relaxes into the couch and he glances at the clock. He realizes that he's running out of time. He needs to talk faster. He needs her.

**A/N: Something Elliot says next prompts Olivia to reveal a secret of her own, a secret that wasn't well kept at all. Review? **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: He's not the only one with secrets, but he already knows all of hers.**

**DISCLAIMER: SVU and characters belong to Dick Wolf. This story belongs to Tstabler©**

They take a moment to themselves, just being, just breathing. Olivia watches Elliot's breathing slow and his eyes dry and soften. She runs her hand along his neck lightly, knowing from years of experience that it calms him down. "You okay?" she whispers.

"I am now, yeah," he tells her. He kisses her forehead and says. "I need another beer."

She knows she shouldn't get it for him, she knows he's only a few more cans from being the drunken train-wreck she knows so well, but she gives in and rises off of his warm, comfortable body and gets him one from the fridge.

He watches her go, realizing that she has his heart. The entire thing belongs to her and his kids. There's a gleam in his eyes when he watches her coming back toward the couch, and he makes sure she sees it as his hand brushes hers to take the cold beer from her.

She sits again and isn't at all surprised when he pulls her close and kisses her temple. She has to deal with lovable, emotional Elliot, tonight. She doesn't mind at all. "Are you done talking?"

He laughs. "Far from it," he says, flipping the top and sipping the foam the spills out of the hole on the can. "Uh, well, after Paul, I shut down. I didn't talk to anyone, I kept to myself and did the job I was sent there to do. I just…I wanted to end it so I could get home. I remember lying in a trench, praying for something to happen to me." He bites the inside of his cheek, so hard that he seethes, and he says, "My prayers were answered."

"What?" she says, panic rising. "What happened?"

He laughs bitterly, remembering. "I got shot in the arm. Couldn't lift a gun or crawl…I was in the infirmary for a week, and almost as soon as I could move my shoulder, one of the Gunnery Sergeants found me, told me I had to get on the first caravan out of there and head home. Kathy was having the baby."

She tilts her head. "I thought you were home for…"

"I was," he interrupts. "Barely. I ran so fucking fast, hopping over people, dodging the fire, onto one of the vehicles taking Marines and other soldiers out of the lines. I got on a plane, used the phone to call Kathy's mother, and she…she said I had time, the baby was being stubborn."

He looks down at her and says, "I had three transfer flights, an overnight layover somewhere, I don't even remember, and I just kept praying that I would make it. That she'd wait for me, somehow." He takes a breath and sips his beer. "God, I didn't even go home to change, when we landed. I just got into an airport taxi, paid him extra to take me right to the hospital. They cleaned me up a bit, put me in scrubs pointed me to the room, and as soon as I walked in…" his eyes fill with tears, happy ones this time. "As soon as I walked in I heard her crying. I got there just in time to cut the cord and I…she was in labor for thirty-two hours. I handed the scissors back to the nurse and I realized I still had Paul's dogtags in my pocket." He looked up at the ceiling and sighed. "I thanked him, I thought it was his way of repaying me. I had to justify it somehow, I couldn't believe that I didn't miss it.

"She was waiting for her daddy," she says, giving the end of his nose a light tap.

He chuckles and taps her nose in return. "I promised Kathy that I would never leave her alone like that again. So for Kathleen, I took the entire week off before her due date so I would be there. With the twins, it was a whole month. And with Eli…"

"I know," she says, smiling at him. "You were so nervous. Every time I complained about anything you were up with car keys in your hand."

He kisses her lips. "He was your first baby," he says with a shrug. "Our first baby. I was scared, anxious…it was a first for me, too, remember that. I didn't get to experience all the firsts the way I should have with Kathy, so I thought…I just wanted to be ready."

She kisses him again. "You were ready," she says. "I wasn't." She exhales and leans her head on his shoulder.

"My father...that was something he never forgave me for. Making him a grandfather before he was ready," he says, staring off into the space of the living room. "He didn't come to her first birthday party. He didn't come for Christmas. Nothing. Not until Kathleen was born, because by then he realized that me and Kathy were working."

She winces as he says that, feeling guilty again. "You were," she whispers.

He looks at her and knows the tone, the meaning behind those words. "Hey," he says, lifting her chin with one finger. "Look at me."

She looks at him and she sighs. "What?"

"We were working, Liv, but it was a long time ago," he tells her. "Things fell apart after the twins were born. It was too much, we couldn't handle it, and we fought all the time about money and work, and how to raise them, because we had different opinions on what to do as they got older." He narrows his eyes and says, "You are not the reason my marriage failed. You have to know that, Liv. Hell, you tried to fix it a few times."

"I feel like it's my fault," she argues. "You say it's not, but things were fine with the two of you, until you and I…"

"You think I would have let it happen if there was a single part of me that wanted to stay with Kathy?" he shakes his head and says, "Things went south long before I met you. I guess…it started with the twins and was...it got bad when my father died."

She squints and reaches for her tea. "You never told me what…I mean, you were there when my mother died, you saw how I dealt with it."

He hums and pulls her closer. "You have to understand, my mother isn't…normal. She's not crazy, she's just…something doesn't work right. She's why my father drank the way he did, he couldn't deal with her antics. You heard the snowflake story, but I never told you that when I got out of the hospital my father put me right back in. He told me it was my fault, I should have stopped her."

"That's not…" she trails off, she knows he understands.

"I know," he says, taking a long sip of his beer. "But he thought it was plenty fair. He didn't want her making any decisions, or going out on her own, and he prized himself on being the man of the house. He thought he had it all under control. Too much control." He swallows another chug of beer and looks at her. "When he got suspended at work for showing up drunk, he lost it. His secret was out, his reputation was ruined, he…called me right before he pulled the trigger, he told me to take care of her."

She raises both eyebrows. "You knew he was…"

"I dropped the phone, I got there as fast as I could, I called my captain at the time, trying to get a squad over there to stop him, but…" he blinks and he bites his lip. "I guess he did it as soon as he hung up. I found him, then my mother came home with Noah and…she looked relieved. Do you believe that?"

"She knew he wasn't happy," she offers.

He shakes his head. "She'll never admit it, she'll never even suggest it, but I swear, he used to hit her. Every time she did something crazy he hit her. I used to notice bruises, cuts, and she always had an excuse. If he hit me, he had to be hitting her, right?"

"It's possible," she whispers. She couldn't say for certain. She never saw her mother act violently toward anyone but her, so maybe it was the same with Joe. "I don't know, El."

He shrugs again and takes a breath. "It was the first funeral that my kids went to, I had to explain death to my three year old twins, and Maureen, who was eight, wanted to know when he was waking up. That's the hardest part. Explaining that."

He swallows back hard and sends a glance toward Eli's room. "I have to do it again," he whispers. "God, I hope he's older than eight when I do."

She kissed his shoulder and whispers, "We'll do it together, when we have to."

He nods and smiles. Then his smile fades. "After the funeral, my mother lived with us, and that's when I really felt the strain on my marriage. Kathy couldn't handle things my mother did, things she said, her mood swings. I tried to tell her…she just…I had to choose. That's when I knew it was ending."

"Kathy made you choose between her and your mother?" she asks, stunned.

"No, she didn't make me," he says as he shakes his head. "I thought I had to. I was so scared my mother would do something…like what she did with me," he swallows and looks away from her. "I found her this little house out on the beach, and I took a weekend off to move her in. I left her out there by herself, we never went to visit, it was like she was just as gone as my father was. It was so…what kind of son does that?" he asks, his voice cracking again. "I was convinced that it was better that way. I thought that she was somehow putting the kids in danger, being a bad influence, keeping us from being happy." He scoffs and chugs his beer again. "My mother had nothing to do with it, you proved that to me."

"Me?" she asks, confused.

"I got another story for you," he says, holding her gaze steadily. "A while ago, my daughter got into trouble. Really big trouble. I tried like hell, but I couldn't get her out of it. I actually made it worse, too. I handed over evidence that proved she was guilty and I was responsible for putting her away." He blinks once, his eyes trained on hers. "My wife left me because of it, my other kids hated me, the only person in the world who knew why I did it was my partner, and she…"

She stops him. "I know what I did, El."

He presses a finger to her lips. "She went out to that house on the beach, she found my mother who I had tried to talk to and only ended up yelling at. She told my mother what was happening, and she convinced my mother to come and talk to the judge, the jury, my daughter, and my wife. She saved my kid, she salvaged my relationship with my family, she did what I couldn't do." He leans closer, he blinks a moment, and he says, "And I haven't figured out how it took me that long to realize I was in love with her."

She takes a breath and she bites her lip. "That's when you realized…"

"I fought it, for so long," he tells her, interrupting her. "God, the minute I met you it was like parts of my brain and my body woke up from a ten year nap. You walked into that squad room and I knew I was fucked." He laughs and says, "The nine years we worked together before I caved in were the most agonizing years of my life. I proved that I had will-power, and it was a good lesson in self-denial and discipline."

She chuckles and says, "You didn't hide it as well as you thought you did. I think running background checks on every man I dated for those nine, long years was a pretty good hint that maybe you felt more for me than you should."

"Hence I said 'realize," he laughs. "I realized, when you did that for me, that I'd been in love with you for years. That's why I didn't try to stop her when she filed for divorce, it's why I didn't fight harder against getting kicked out, and it's why I went straight to you when it happened." He brushes her hair back and whispers, "For twelve years, you have been my rock, Olivia Benson. My partner, my best friend. For almost three years, you've been…the most giving and passionate lover a man could have. I know I will never convince anyone else that what happened between us wasn't an affair, but I need you to know…it was over with Kathy. Completely over. Separation was legal before I kissed you, Liv, I swear."

She tilts her head and she gives him a loving look. "I know it was, I know you would never lie to me, even if it meant you'd get laid." She laughs and elbows him playfully.

"I won't," he says, serious. "I will never lie to you, or to our children."

She gasps softly. She looks down at the empty pizza boxes, she glances over to the teacup, realizing it tastes more like ginger than it should, and she looks up at him. "You know."

He smiles. "I know," he says. "I'm not gonna ask why you didn't tell me, I know you think I'm going through a lot right now and you didn't want to add any pressure until things calmed down. I get it. That's why I'm going through all of this. I don't wanna make this real, solid, until you know everything. Until you know it all, so that if you want to change your mind I can't say you don't have a reason." He moves closer to her. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

She blinks and she shakes her head. "Not really, no."

"When you told me you were pregnant with Eli, I was beyond happy," he says, his eyes sparkling as he recalls the moment. "I was going to ask you…something…but then you started talking about how you didn't expect me to marry you, that you didn't want me to have to marry out of responsibility for a second time. You were scared, we'd only been together for two months, and I wasn't officially divorced, you didn't want to make the situation more difficult."

She furrows her brow. "You were gonna ask me to marry you?"

He nods. "I did a lot of thinking, after you told me I didn't have to, because you weren't going anywhere regardless of whether or not you had a ring on your finger. It hit me that if I had asked, you'd be marrying a man you didn't really know. Not the way you should if you're gonna marry him."

She lifts her eyes in realization. She feels the tightness in her chest, the beginnings of heartburn or a panic attack, and she's praying it's the former. "El, are you…"

"Sit back," he says, lifting her legs and draping them over his lap. He begins to rub the soles of her socked feet, then he pulls off the white cotton. He digs his fingers into her flesh, listening to her appreciative moans, and he says, "I'm not done."

She lets her head drop back, and she wonders what more there could possibly be, and why he was so afraid to tell her about it, so afraid she'd leave. She heard the beginning of his next confession, and that's when she knew. He had a right to be afraid.

**A/N: What is he saying? What is this leading to? The last chapter, next. Review?**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Maybe telling her everything isn't a good idea. But then again… **

**DISCLAIMER: SVU and characters belong to Dick Wolf. This story belongs to Tstabler©**

She is silent, listening to him start yet another confession, but she can't move. He has her feet in his hands, her legs in his lap, her heart clutched tightly between his fingers. "Slow down," she says, trying to sit up. "You…why…why would you do that?"

He bites his lip, he looks into her eyes. "You want the truth?"

"Don't lie to me now," she says, rolling her eyes. "Elliot, I could have…do you know where I could be right now?"

He nods. "Why do you think I did it?" He massages the sore tissue of her calves as he says, "I did it because I couldn't stand to see you with anyone else. Especially someone like that. After that first year, he…"

"Start from the beginning," she snaps. "You didn't even know me well enough when…"

"Liv," he says, interrupting, "I knew exactly who you were when you walked into the squad room the first time." He blinks once. "I knew you were that genius who proved that actually had a working brain, and I knew I couldn't let you walk out of my life again."

"You were married!" she argues. "Happily."

He chuckles. "Which is why…you gotta understand this, honey. You made me doubt everything. You made me want to commit every mortal sin known to man. I wanted to fuck you senseless; I wanted to cheat on my wife to do it; I wanted to kill any man who looked at you sideways; I wanted you, so badly." His teeth sink into the inside of his right cheek as he looks at her. "I still do. I always will."

She tilts her head. "That gave you no right to…"

"I had every right to do what I did," he interjects, his eyes narrow. "At least, I have to believe that." He closes his eyes and says, "I know it was wrong, and it hurt you, but…when I found out Andy was gonna ask you to marry him, make you move to God knows where with him…I had to prove to you somehow that he wasn't worth it."

She sits up straighter still, moaning just a bit against her will as he hits a sweet spot on her leg. "God, El, you know I wasn't going to…"

"I didn't know that," he says, pulling her further into his lap and massaging her thighs. "You said it yourself, I didn't really know you. I just knew that he had a death wish, he lived for danger, and he was gonna get you in trouble or hurt you somehow and I couldn't let that happen."

She shakes her head. "So you take him out, get him drunk, introduce him to a slutty bartender and help him cheat on me?" she narrows her eyes. "El, I couldn't handle his life. When he took that job, I knew he only did it for the adrenaline rush, the thrill. I had a hard enough time dealing with the dangers of him being a cop, you think I would actually…"

"I didn't know!" He yells and he regrets it, he sees her flinch and his heart stops. "Baby, I'm sorry," he whispers. "I know you hate…"

"It's okay," she cuts him off, she shakes her shoulders a bit. "Elliot, I can't believe…"

"I was only showing you that he was gonna do it anyway," he says. "Any man who can't be trusted when he's drinking can't be trusted at all." He reaches for his beer can, lifts it to his lips, and says, "You know you can trust me when I'm drunk."

She grins. "I can," she says with a wicked gleam in her eyes. "Kathy couldn't."

He snaps, then, offended. "Hey, I had already…"

"I was teasing you," she says, pulling herself closer to him. "I've never been given a reason not to trust you." She looks at him for a moment. "Until now."  
>He closes his eyes and leans back into the seat. "I didn't trust Eckerson, I didn't trust Porter, I didn't trust Moss. You picked a handful of really slimy men, and I didn't want…I didn't want you to get hurt. At least…not if things were serious." He bit his lip. "Things were getting serious, and I had to show you that…"<p>

"It wasn't just Andy, Elliot," she says, chuckling. "You scared off…everyone who wasn't you." She narrows her eyes and says, "You were purposely…"

"I needed to make sure that you would be here," he says, giving her a soft look. "I didn't want to be too late. I knew…I knew a long time ago that this would happen." He gives a short snort. "I guess I'm an asshole. Purposely interfering with your relationships to make sure than if and when I left my wife you'd be single."

"It does make you an asshole," she says. "But you were right. I mean, we…we work, don't we?" She wraps an arm around him. "This works."

"Better than anything," he whispers, brushing his lips across her forehead. "I couldn't risk missing out on this. I know I was a bastard, I was rude and selfish, and I didn't care if you lost out on something amazing because I wanted you to be amazing with me," he explains.

He knows he sounds like an idiot, he knows he sounds like a dick, but he has to tell her this. He has to tell her everything.

She takes a deep breath and she squints at him. "I still can't…you wanted to keep me from getting hurt, but what you did…"

"I just led the horse to the water," he interrupts. "I didn't make him drink. Even when I was plastered to shit, I never so much as complimented another woman. Not until I knew the ring was coming off for good. It's possible to be faithful, Liv, and he just…he wasn't going to be. I saw that."

"He's the reason I never trusted another…" she stops talking. She should be furious, she should never trust him again, but she knows he's done was only proving he is the only one she can trust. "I guess it doesn't matter now. I don't think it even mattered then, because it didn't really take me that long to fall in love with you either, so I knew those relationships would never…I guess I should tell you."

"Tell me," he says, smirking. "Ah, Benson's got a secret of her own?" He chuckles and says, "I know you're not gonna tell me you're pregnant. I already know that."

She bites her lip and says, "I only went out with Dean because I knew you hated him. He was nice, charming, good looking…but he wasn't you, and I saw the way he got under your skin. I wanted you to feel…I wanted you to feel the way I felt for years, seeing you with Kathy drove me crazy." She laughs to herself for a moment. "I had no idea you were already…"

He kisses her, his lips and tongue working to keep her from speaking. He pulls away slowly, letting a low, soft sound escape. "I was," he says, nodding. "Now you know."

"Is that why that whole thing with Dickie bothered you so much?" she asks, broaching a subject long forgotten, scooping water out from underneath a crumbling bridge.

He takes a breath and takes a sip of his beer. "Yeah," he admits. "He's my son, Liv. He is my teenage son and he didn't trust me. When he asked you…God, when he asked you if we'd ever…I thought that was it. I felt like he punched me right in the stomach. How could it have been so obvious to him? To anyone, really, when it wasn't obvious to us?"

She shrugs. "We didn't wanna see it," she says softly. "Not until something could be done about it." She blinks once and she looks down at the coffee table. "I've never seen you so angry. It was…scary."

He presses his lips together. "I was more hurt than anything," he whispers. "What I saw in him that night…baby, I saw me. I saw the same look in his eyes that I used to give my father. That vile, heartbreaking look of pure hatred and disgust, and I lost it." His eyes are filling up again, and he's only recalling part of the memory.

She clicks her tongue and rolls her head, nuzzling against him. "Don't, El," she whispers. She kisses his neck, an attempt to stop the tears before they fall.

"I never want to see that look on his face again," he says softly, one hand rubbing both eyes. "I never want to see that look on any of my kids' faces." He takes a slow shaky breath. "It was the first time I really felt any regret or pity for my father." He chuckled in self-deprecation. "I tried so hard to be nothing like him, and I turned out to be…"

"Nothing like him," she cuts him off, refusing to let him even suggest he is anything like Joe Stabler. "You have never hit your children, you have never insulted them, you've never hurt them. You did everything you possibly could for them, and they know that, and they love you for it."

"I almost hit him," he says, staring off at the wall as his hand slips absently to her stomach. She's barely a month along, but he swears he can feel the baby. "He insulted his sister, his tone was just…he sounded so…I reacted just like my father used to when I said the same things about my mother and sister, and…"

"You didn't," she says. "That's where the difference lies."

"When you were pregnant with Eli," he says, easing back down on his side, pulling her along with him, "You used to tell me all the time that you were afraid of becoming your mother. You would have these horrible nightmares of one day just…snapping. Add this to the list of things I never told you, but as much as I know I'm different, as much as I know I'm better than him, I still have this crippling fear that I'm gonna hurt them. That I'm gonna crack."

He blinks and a tear falls. "Every interrogation, I saw it. Every time I took it to far with a perp, lost my cool with Tucker, snapped at Fin or Cragen…I wondered, ya know? What if I'd been home? What if I'd been with my kids? What if it was Dickie's arm I broke, not some asshole rapist's?"

His body jerked with a soft sob. "I almost let it happen once, with Maureen." He shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut. "She was so little…so little, Liv." He chokes on his words, on his thoughts, and he swallows hard. "I was watching her, I took my eyes off of her for a few seconds and she spills…we just got this new carpet, and I…we didn't have the money for it."

He takes a shallow breath and he says, "I just got so mad. I picked her up and I…God, baby, she just kept crying, and I remember raising my hand to hit her, and hearing her scream, I just…" he shook his head again. "I didn't hit her, I dropped to ruined rug and just held her, and I cried, too, because I knew what had almost happened." He rubs his face on his shoulder, sniffles, and says, "The only other person who knows what happened is Cragen, and I was half-drunk when I told him. This is the first time I'm really…"

She presses a finger to his lips. "You have more control than you know." She looks him in the eyes and says, "You didn't hit her, you didn't hit Dickie. You know to stop yourself, and you know that you would never lay a hand on them. I know that, Elliot. If I had any doubts about that all, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be trusting you with my life, my heart, my children."

He cups her face in his quivering hands and he tries to keep the rest of his body from shaking. "I don't deserve you, that's what this is all…I'm only proving that I am not good enough for you, for that beautiful boy, for the innocent life inside of you right now." He kisses the end of her nose and whispers, "I will never hurt you, or them. I know I won't, but…that fear is always gonna be there."

She nods, understanding more than he realizes. She leans forward and lifts her head a bit to reach his lips. She kisses him, slow and long, deep and intimate, sensual and emotional. Their hands caress each other's faces, their legs rub into and around each other's body. She pulls away and tries to breathe. "El, you've told me enough. I'm still here, I'm not going anywhere, I told you there was nothing you could say…"

"Wait," he whispers. "There's…there's one more thing…"

"El, I don't think I can handle anymore, not tonight," she interrupts, her heart beating with fear of what is coming.

He clears his throat and he sits up. "Well, it's kind of…the last thing I wanted to tell you tonight. The reason I've laid all my cards out on the table, the reason I told you about the fight I got into with Max Dresden in the middle of the homecoming game, the reason I told you about the people each of the kids are named after, the last thing I need to say before you have to make the choice to stay with me, or take our son and walk away."

She blinks, and then she takes a deep breath and exhales very slowly. She's preparing herself. "Elliot, I swear, if you tell me the reason you left the unit isn't really…"

"Not that," he says, shaking his head. "No, you were there for that, I had no reason to lie about that," he tells her. He clears his throat and cracks his knuckles, his nerves getting the better of him. "Before I start…do you, uh, you want any more of that pizza?" he asks, pointing to the unopened box on the table.

She shakes her head and says, "Three slices is pretty much…"

"I do," he says fast. "Can you, um, can you open it for me?"

Without hesitation, she reaches over the table and flips the lid. Nothing registers as she looks at the pie, then back to him. "You sure you're not the one that's preg…" Something clicks and she stops talking.

He smirks, downs the last of his beer, vowing that it will be his last can of the night. He chuckles as he watches her turn back to the pizza. He swallows, feeling tightness in his chest again as her face falls. Her lips silently form the words, reading to herself as her eyes dance over the pepper and pineapple letters.

She lifts her eyes, now wet with her own tears for the umpteenth time tonight, and she screws up her face in a mix of emotional panic and confusion. "El, really?"

He nods, pulls the box toward him, and picks something shiny out of a plastic box, resting in the "O" of the second word. "Read the pizza, baby," he whispers, serious.

She looks back down as a tear drops off of her chin and onto a cheesy slice. "I'd rather you read it to me."

He reaches for her hand, holds out the small diamond ring, and he whispers, right into her ear, "It says," he began, "Will you marry me?"

**A/N: Okay, so…this was supposed to be the end, but I can't leave it there. Can I? Review?**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Her answer and a final moment of truth. **

**DISCLAIMER: SVU and characters belong to Dick Wolf. Story belongs to TStabler**

She stares at the ring, then looks back down at the pizza as if it was somehow mocking her. She looks back up at Elliot, his eyes are wide, clear. His hands are trembling.

He watches her, looking from him, to the ring, to the pizza, and back again, and his heart can't take it. "Liv," he whispers. "Marry me."

She swallows hard, her eyes close, and she reaches for the pizza box. Without saying anything, she closes the lid and looks at him again. She blinks. That's all she gives him.

He shakes his head and says, "I get it." He blinks once, letting the last tear of the evening slide down his red and raw cheek. "You can't marry a killer. You can't marry someone with mental illness in his family. You can't deal with the other kids. But now, at least, you…"

"Yes," she interrupts, her body turning and hitting into his so sharply it knocks the breath out of him.

He waits a moment, as if trying to decide if he's heard her correctly. One arm wraps around her and he looks down, into her eyes. "Yes?"

"Yes," she whispers, knowing her voice is shaking and her body is trembling. "You are not a killer, El," she tells him, swiping a thumb under his eye. "If your family history bothered me at all, I never would have gotten involved with you. I love your kids, you know I do." She kisses his lips tenderly, and she hears him whimper a bit. It's a startling yet endearing sound. "I love you," she says, pulling back to look up into his eyes.

He smiles at her, then he laughs with both nervousness and joy. "You just…you said yes. After everything I told you tonight, you want to spend the rest of your life with me?"

She smiles back. "I think…I was going to say yes whenever you asked anyway, but I think it's because you told me all of this, El, that I…I know you're serious, and how important being honest and upfront about everything before you asked really was to you. You…God, you made me fall in love with you all over again, tonight."

He kisses her forehead, his other arm winds around her body and his hands link together at the small of her back. He takes a moment to breathe deeply, his eyes flutter closed as he feels her heart thump hard against his chest, he's holding her so tightly. "Liv," he whispers.

She squeezes him, silently telling him she'll be okay. "Are we…did we really just…"

"Get engaged? Yeah," he tells her, nodding.

She pushes against him, then, and her smile is gone as her eyes meet his. "I didn't get pregnant on purpose," she says.

His eyes narrow. "Who the hell said you…"

"Kathy," she says, regretting it immediately, "Before she left, she told me that she thought that's what I did, and that you knew it, too. She said it didn't matter and she hoped everything worked out, but it..." She shakes her head and tells him, "And to tell the truth, if you had gone back to Kathy, I wasn't going to tell you. If you didn't come into work, proudly declaring your divorce was finalized…"

"Shit," he says, a bitter laugh escaping despite the desire to yell. "You were gonna give me up, just like that? You weren't gonna fight for me?"

She shrugs. "I didn't think I'd really have a choice," she says. She takes his hand, turning it over in her palm, and with her other hand, she traces light circles in his palm. "I woke up every day, petrified you'd go home."

He shakes his head, he pulls her hand to his mouth and kisses her knuckles. "I am home," he whispers to her. "With you, and Eli, and whoever this little one is," he says, his left hand cupping over the middle of her belly, where a bump would soon form. "I am home."

She fights the tears that are building in her eyes, she tries to calm the burn behind her nose, but it proves fruitless. She drops her head into his chest and she sobs, openly and freely. She can't help the apologies that come flying out of her mouth.

"Sorry? For what?" he asks, stunned. "Baby, stop. Talk to me."

She tries to breath and she says, "I'm sorry for ripping you away from…"

"You didn't rip me away from anything," he assures her, interrupting her. "Liv, I left Kathy before anything happened between us. I didn't even know you were pregnant until my divorce was final. You didn't trap me into this, and you didn't make me do anything I didn't wanna do. Tonight included."

She sniffles and looks at him, a question mark dancing over her face.

He smiles softly, kissing away her tears. "I love you, that's the first and most important reason I asked you to marry me tonight. I was going to ask lobg ago, you know that. I told you that before, I want to make this an official thing, you and me. We've got a beautiful son down the hall, who deserves a real family, and we've got a new little life to think about. We deserve this, don't we? We deserve to finally, really, be happy."

"I just…I know you were thinking of coming back to work, and I…"

He kisses her, silencing her words. "I'm not," he says. "There's no way I can. Not after what happened, and especially not now. I would rather have you coming home to me, my wife, mother of my children, then have to try to explain the last couple of years to Cragen and Tucker. Shit, they already know something's going on, I don't wanna have to live under a microscope because they think we can't handle it." He laughs and says, "Besides, someone has to stay here and cook and clean because Lord knows you're not gonna do it."

"Well, when you put it that way," she chuckles, nuzzling into his neck. "How did you know?" she asks, then, turning her head up just a bit.

"How did I know what?" he returns. He kisses the end of her nose and pulls her onto his lap, and finally slips the beautiful diamond ring onto her left ring-finger.

She pauses, glancing down at her hand. She wiggles her fingers and smiles, sighs, then says, "How did you know that I'm pregnant?"

He laughs a bit. "I pay way too much attention to you, I guess. I noticed you haven't been moody or cranky for the last few months, I see this beautiful glow around you. You're softer, and last week, which is when, I'm guessing, the doctor called, you started to get up earlier, take vitamins, and you can't stop smiling."

"Neither can you," she says, smiling at him.

He pulls her down to him, kissing her slowly, deeply, and after the most emotional night of his life, he relaxes into the sofa to lose himself in her. As he feels her lips on his, her tongue sweeping over his, he realizes that he lost himself in her years ago.

She shifts her body, looping her legs around his, and she rolls her body into his, making him moan. "El," she whispers, tugging on his shirt.

He moans again, lifting his arms. He feels the shirt rip over his head and he blinks once as he looks at her, on top of him, ready to make love to him in the middle of the night on their couch in their living room.

She kisses his nose, then his lips, then she pulls his belt through the buckle, loosening it. She's silent, but for her heavy breathing and soft moans. She can't seem to take her eyes off of his, he's captivated her again, and she doesn't mind.

He kisses her with a noiseless breath. He pulls on her top, lifting it over her head, and he tosses it over his head with a chuckle. He takes another breath, and he skims his hands over her body as he stares into her eyes. He watches her mouth, "I love you," and smile at him, and he finally finds what he's been looking for.

Stability.


End file.
